I skim over some of the worst parts, although there are a lot of them. I don’t lie; I think it’s best when people know what they’re getting into. Each time it gets a bit more refined, rote, Cliff-Noted.I was recently talking with a man I had been seeing casually for a while about being set-up on blind dates. His choices have been his choices and his life has been his life.
In our back and forth detailing of ridiculous mismatches, he launched into one he seemed to feel would come across as particularly amusing:“So my uncle said he had found me the perfect woman! Wise as she always is, Diana simply shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know.
Get this: she is in her late-30s or early-40s, divorced, and has 3 young boys! ” Pause with eyes wide open for my expected giggles and snorts — yes, I snort when I laugh. I think if you have made it to this point without experiencing any drama or accumulating some form of baggage, you must have led a pretty damn boring life.”Brilliant!
♦◊♦If you really want to look carefully for red flags while perusing a dating site, I would argue that the specific questions of whether or not they have ever been married and whether or not they have children are two of the least important queries to pay attention to. Clients and friends often tell me they are afraid to get a divorce because they don’t want to traumatize their children.
What makes or shapes a problematic partner is their character and their behavior, both of which are developed through a mixture of genetics, their environment as a child, and the full spectrum of life experiences they have or haven’t encountered. This is an understandable, yet intrinsically false premise.
I asked him what the problem was with that particular description, and all he could come up with was, “Well, come on. If I wanted to be snarky, I could write about how his having reached this point of life without having made a lasting commitment to anyone but himself could be seen by some as liabilities lined up in the cons section of a pro/con list regarding dating him. He has had plenty of responsibility to take on for himself and for others in his life, and I sit in no position to judge whether or not his choices have been wise or foolish.